How to Archer

Product Description

Lying is like 95% of what I do. But believe me: in this book, I’ll let you know exactly how to become a master spy just like me. Obviously, you won’t be as good at it as I am, but that’s because you’re you, and I’m Sterling Archer.

I know, I know, it sucks not being me.

But don’t beat yourself up about it, because I’m going to show you all the good stuff—what to wear; what to drink; how to seduce women (and, when necessary, men); how to beat up men (and, when necessary, women); how to tell the difference between call girls and hookers (hint: when they’re dead, they’re just hookers) and everything about weapons, secret devices, lying ex-girlfriends, and turtlenecks. In a word? How to Archer.

Features

• Great product!

Top Reviews

Awesome! A must read.
by Amazon Customer (5 out of 5 stars)
March 7, 2017

If you like the show, then get the book. If you have never seen the show, get the book.
↭ 🍁 ↭
Are the Bad Reviews Factually Incorrect? Also, Yes.
by Kirk Starr (5 out of 5 stars)
February 21, 2014

I admit to being an enormous Archer fan, but I still would never give a poorly written stack of regurgitated jokes five stars. This book delivers the laughs, especially if you know anything about the show. Which I do.

But, humor being completely subjective, I still feel compelled to at least dispel a couple shameful myths put forth by other reviewers.

MYTH: "...three out of four jokes are ripped word for word from episodes of Archer..."

FACT: Let's do some math, shall we? Archer states at the start of the book that he's contractually obligated to produce a manuscript of no shorter than 30,000 words and will, therefore, deliver a manuscript of precisely 30,000 words. As I read the book the second time, I highlighted every word I could find that either retold a joke from the show or even so much as referred to a joke from the show. I even highlighted Alex Karras (whom Lana mentions in Archer S1 E10) even though the joke about him is completely different. Total word count on reused jokes: 322. That's 1.073%. So, essentially, the book is 99% new content.

MYTH: This book "substitute[s] rehashed dry jokes for actual information" and is "not much of a guide to anything."

FACT: This is a book by Sterling Archer, so if you're expecting an encyclopedia on the finer points of covert ops, you haven't been paying attention. Spoiler Alert: you won't actually learn how to become an international spy by reading this book. That said, unless you already know the recipe for Green Russians, or the proper way to prepare Eggs Woodhouse, or how to say "Would you like to have sex with me?" in 17 languages (including Portuguese, of course), then I can assure you this book has plenty to teach you.

For example, from the section on page 19 regarding the martial art of Savate:
"Savate is French for 'face kick.' And while the French have a reputation for being effeminate... I think this is unfair. Because they also have...the French Foreign Legion. So the next time you're feeling adventurous, walk into a bar in Algiers and call a Legionnaire a putain de merde. Then walk outside and feel around in the sand with your hands, trying to find your head."

Not the greatest advice, but at least you learned something (and I bet you laughed, too).
↭ 🍁 ↭
James Bond has nothing on Archer (especially his liver).
by Norma (5 out of 5 stars)
September 23, 2018

If you read this book and it's not in Archer's voice (except for the foreword, which his mother kindly provided), then this isn't the book for you.

This book is the ultimate guide as to how to be like Archer; it's not another episode converted into paper form in an effort to make Archer millions of dollars (though he does admit that the book is an effort to make said millions of dollars). You will learn many useful tidbits in this book: how to ask women if they want to have sex with you in 16 languages... How to make Eggs Woodhouse (the most expensive breakfast you'll ever have)... How to drop $100,000 on deposit in a casino and get it all back (and make some new friends while you're at it!)... And everything in between that makes Archer the world's greatest secret agent.

He also points out the difference between "butler" and "valet," how you can only dream to be like him, and how to bed women of all types...see the chapter entitled The Archer Sutra (I can't make that up lol), all in a 30,000 word manuscript that the publisher legally-bound him to write. Count it; they did.

And if you don't like this book, Archer will feed you a bowl of spider webs.
↭ 🍁 ↭
you get what you expected
by Kindle Customer (4 out of 5 stars)
August 29, 2018

The book only took be an hour of two to read. We are not talking about "War and Peace" here. However, I love Archer, I think that the whole cast is hysterical and enjoyed the book. It really is Sterling from the first complaint to the last.

Never ready to do the grunt work despite getting an advance. The publisher having to push him to complete the book. Just typical Archer.

I Loved it!! If you decide to purchase it, remember that you are buying a book written by a cartoon character. keep your expectations in check.
↭ 🍁 ↭
Absolutely Archer.
by Graehound,Top Contributor: Crochet (4 out of 5 stars)
April 20, 2017

Humourous writing in the voice of Sterling Archer: if you are expecting Tennyson, you're going to be severely disappointed. If you're looking for a book written in the guise of the World's Greatest Spy and have any awareness of the television series, this will deliver a huge number of laughs.

Four stars for the lack of cobras. Tsk.
↭ 🍁 ↭
I love this!
by Damian Mattar (4 out of 5 stars)
December 30, 2018

I love Archier so this was a really cool addition to my collection or merch. It is written as archer himself explaining all the details of espionage work in a very Archer way. It was fun to read and is truly a wonderful product
↭ 🍁 ↭
I like it.
by David S (5 out of 5 stars)
April 9, 2018

Great for Archer fans. I am new to the show and just finished binge watching the first 8 seasons. I was searching for some books on my Kindle, and for some reason, this one came up as a recommendation. It probably came up because I did watch a couple of episodes on my Kindle using the Xfinity app on OnDemand.

Don't believe the bad reviews. It is an entertaining read. You just can't keep from reading it in Archer's voice.
↭ 🍁 ↭
If you love the show you will love this book!
by Pat S (5 out of 5 stars)
July 11, 2019

If you love the show you will love this book! An easy and enjoyable read. Sounds just like the show. Short enough that you can finish it in a day.
↭ 🍁 ↭
If you love Archer you will love this book!
by Customer (5 out of 5 stars)
February 21, 2019

This was one of my husband's Christmas presents. I peeked inside while wrapping presents and got lost for an hour of side splitting laughter.

He loves this book so much it's on the mantle.
↭ 🍁 ↭
Typical Archer...
by WarriorHockey21 (5 out of 5 stars)
June 4, 2012

I'm a huge Archer fan, and when I saw this book I knew I had to buy it. After finishing it within a day, the only thing that disappointed me was that I was done. Reading it with the voice of H. Jon Benjamin in your head, this book is a hilarious sideshow. Archer's jerk attitude and chauvinistic tone shine through every word, and every line... including the footnotes and graphics.

Anybody who watches and loves the tv show, won't be disappointed by this book.

If you pay attention, and wait another 1000 years for God to gift you the good looks and brains of Sterling, you just might be able to get on his level... or not. I mean, there can only be one "best" at picking up women, and being a world famous spy, and Sterling has both of those covered already.
;)
↭ 🍁 ↭
Great for fans of archer!
by Frequent prime shopper (5 out of 5 stars)
April 12, 2019

My fiancé never reads books but I got this for him for Valentine's Day and he LOVES it! He says it reads exactly as if archer were writing it.

Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought

*If this is not the "How to Archer" product you were looking for, you can check the other results by clicking this link.  Details were last updated on Dec 23, 2024 05:17 +08.