How Not to Kill Your Baby

Product Description

"This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the "cautionary tale" portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." --Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me)

"Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinstein's book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple." --Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan)

"The "s-a-g-e" in Jacob's middle moniker indicates exactly that. He is a whimsically wise and hysterically funny fellow whom any child (or book buying adult) would be wise to listen to." --Dennis Miller

"If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine." --Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons)

Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever?

If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual you've ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice:

* "As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets."

* "It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23."

* "When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!"

* "It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age."

How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. You'll get no such promise from What To Expect When You're Expecting.

How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless you're some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

Top Reviews

A lifesaver--literally.
by Kaylee Marsh (5 out of 5 stars)
July 11, 2016

This was a GREAT gift for my sister and brother in law as they were preparing to have their first baby. I would highly suggest it for all the soon to be parents that take life too seriously, as well as those who just like to laugh. A great relief from all of the other "serious" parenting books that are out there. Now if their baby survives to the age of 18, I can take all the credit!
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funny but lacking in some ways
by Kyliak (4 out of 5 stars)
March 6, 2013

I have the kindle verson and its funny but lacking.

first there are several pictures such as how to install a carseat. This could be funny but there is no way to zoom in and view the diagram so as a kindle reader it and many other diagrams were unreadable.

in addition while it was funny it was pretty short. I read it aloud on a roadtrip and we finshed in in about 1.5 hours.

finaly while it was funny i found the cover misleading I expected more good/bad photos and there wernt any.

with that being said it was a funny book and i enjoyed reading it.
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I wish I'd gotten this for my baby shower
by Emily (5 out of 5 stars)
March 29, 2012

How Not to Kill Your Baby isn't a parenting book; it's a parody of the parenting books we all read that gave us important and serious advice like: never put your child in a stroller lest he not learn to walk, cement all your bookshelves to the wall, and train your baby to go to sleep on her own because otherwise you'll need to show up every night at her college dorm to rock her to sleep.

I went back after I read the book and reread all the "Dan" sidebars. "Dan" underscores the sexist and insulting way the parenting industry demeans the father and expects the mother to be perfect.

This book might have been far more useful to me as a new parent than all the serious baby guides. Had I gotten it as a shower gift, it would have made me laugh at how seriously I was taking the whole thing and how insane the babycare industry has gotten.
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I bought this for my best friend who accidentally killed his first four newborns
by Chad Allen Houston (5 out of 5 stars)
February 17, 2016

I bought this for my best friend who accidentally killed his first four newborns. After receiving this book, the next two he had survived and are still alive! One is three years old, the other one year old! Definitely worth the investment if you don't want dead kids!
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My Baby Survived!
by 53GR Images (5 out of 5 stars)
June 26, 2014

I was going to say something witty, but the other reviewers have all beaten me to the punch. Quite simply, this book is irreverent and hilarious. As long as you don't get offended too easily, this will help relieve some of the considerable stress of knowing that your life will soon be fundamentally altered forever (i.e. - your wife is going to give birth).
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Maybe my expectations were too high but I thought the ...
by Kerry Maloney (2 out of 5 stars)
August 23, 2015

Maybe my expectations were too high but I thought the book would be funnier than it is. The cover is the funniest part of the book.
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Five Stars
by Nick (5 out of 5 stars)
July 31, 2017

Awesome gag gift. Got it for my sister's baby shower and she loved it.
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No dead babies yet! =D
by Sarah Miller (5 out of 5 stars)
January 7, 2016

Ever since I purchased this book my child has, I'm happy to report, NOT died. This fantastic piece of literature does not fail to deliver. It's (literally) a life-saver!
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Should be required reading
by RJswanee,Top Contributor: Pets (5 out of 5 stars)
May 17, 2013

Did you know that you shouldn't give your baby a real bear; you should give them a TEDDY bear? I KNOW RIGHT NEITHER DID I UNTIL I READ THIS WORK OF GENIUS

This book has literally saved the lives of my future children. It is chock full of valuable tidbits of information that most of us mere mortals just don't think about when it comes to parenting. I thought I was moderately prepared for motherhood before I picked this glorious gem up for a friend's baby shower - boy, was I wrong!

How many poor, innocent children could be spared every year if everyone thinking of becoming a parent was strapped to a chair and forced to memorize this invaluable work? PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND BUY THIS BOOK
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great gift
by Amazon Customer (5 out of 5 stars)
March 1, 2017

great gag gift for my friend who is hopefully having a baby soon.

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